2106 - Zootopia

Well, once again, Disney has a film out in theaters, and it's my job to tell you to go see it. GO SEE IT. Seriously, they've been at a pretty high level of quality. They haven't come out with a really bad movie since Meet the Robinsons, and I still kinda liked that. You have to head back to Chicken Little to find something straight up terrible. But Zootopia is more than just a good film from a good studio. This is amazing. This is the best movie they've made since Winnie-The-Pooh, which was itself the best since Lilo and Stitch. Now, it's only been out for a few weeks, so here's my three top reasons to see it:

The Road to El Dorado (Dreamworks, 2000)

WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE!

It's been a hell of a long time since my last update, and for that, you have my sincere apologies. You know how it is, work gets in the way, you never seem to have time, you have to write a review of a really uninspiring movie.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad. Far from it. I really enjoyed it. It just didn't leave me with much I wanted to talk about. If I had something as good as The Iron Giant or as bad as Quest for Camelot to return to, I'd probably have got to it sooner, but as it stands... ehh.

And with that thrilling introduction, we turn to -

ADVENTURE!

EXPLORATION!

WHITE GUYS EXCELLING AT A NATIVE CULTURE'S ACTIVITIES DESPITE NO EXPERIENCE!

IT'S THE ROAD TO EL DORADO!

The Prince of Egypt (Dreamworks, 1998)

Well, Amblimation may have tanked after only three movies, but you can’t keep a good Spielberg down, and since he’d just recently founded a new studio with recording mogul David Geffen and former Disney exec and bad-decision-maker Jeff Katzenberg. So he trucked over Simon Wells and his animators and set them to making another animated film, now under the Dreamworks banner, with much better funding and infrastructure. And if there’s one thing Spielberg likes to tell stories about, it’s the plight of the Jewish people so...

PLAGUES!

SLAVES!

A LEVEL OF HENOTHEISM THAT’S GOING TO BE HARD FOR RELIGIOUS AUTHORITIES TO EXPLAIN AWAY IN THE FUTURE!

IT’S THE PRINCE OF EGYPT!

Balto (Amblimation, 1995)

And thus it is that we reach our final feature in the short and undistinguished life of Amblimation, and it’s a real shame, because after two shambling messes (you’ll hear about Feivel Goes West, don’t worry) they’ve finally made something that has a bit of original spark in it. It certainly has a coherent tone, which is a vast improvement in itself. This movie hints at a studio that specializes in more mature, thoughtful, realistic fare than its competitors, a Disney that followed the path of The Fox and the Hound rather than The Little Mermaid, only in a good way. Did it manage it successfully? Ehh. Mostly.

SNOW!

ICE!

REMARKABLY ONLY ONE DOG IN CLOTHING, AND IT’S A BANDANA, WHICH IS HARDLY UNUSUAL!

IT’S BALTO!

Been a while since we've had an overly busy 90s poster.

We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story (Amblimation, 1993)

We're skipping past the first Amblimation film, as my sister, a guest reviewer, writes about as fast as I do. But the short version: Steven Spielberg made an animation studio, but forgot to bring any ideas. Also, all three movies they made are directed by H.G. Wells' great grandson. Weird.

Okay, I have some loyal readers here, so I trust what I’m about to say carries some weight. You’ve sat with me through Rock-a-doodle, Quest For Camelot, and Animalympics, so you know where I’m coming from when I say that this movie, this freaking movie, is the WEIRDEST thing I’ve ever seen. And it’s probably not even nearly as weird as it could have been, for reasons we’ll get to at the end. But I don’t think any of the films I’ve seen so far in this endeavor have filled me with quite as much utter bafflement as this.

MONSTERS!

WISHES!

ONE SONG!

LISA SIMPSON!

IT’S WE’RE BACK! A DINOSAUR’S STORY

Rover Dangerfield (Hyperion Animation, 1991)

First of all, welcome back. I'm glad you all kept your subscriptions active while I was off doing important work as an agent of Her Majesty, and definitely not lying on the couch eating gravy flavored potato chips and watching Star Trek Voyager. Now, to business.

I have to admit, I know context might play a role in how I view these movies. After all, I am seeing them in the context of other movies, and might not that affect my perception? Would I have disliked Pocahontas as much as I did if it wasn’t surrounded by wonderful classics? Would I have loved The Great Mouse Detective as much as I did if it wasn’t recovering from a surge of mediocrities? Yes to both, I am unimpeachably objective. But what if I were to see a movie that I could clearly tell was bad, but I wound up kind of liking it? And not in the “Nutcracker” way, where I give it a tepid recommendation because it does some stuff okay. In the way that it does no stuff okay, but I keep finding myself enjoying it. Can this be explained by the other movies I’ve seen around the same time? Well, this is a special case, so I’ll be doing my first out-of-format review in a while. Let’s get into it.

RED TIES!

BUG EYES!

A COMMENT-WORTHY LACK OF RESPECT!

I TELL YA!

IT’S ROVER DANGERFIELD!

The Nutcracker Prince (Lacewood productions, 1990)

I’ll be honest, dear readers, I’m beginning to despair that I shall never see a good movie again. I’m also beginning to despair that I’ll never review a movie people have heard of again. No one wants to read about Gay Purr-ee for Pete’s sake, and if I don’t get my ratings up, Mr. Blogpost is gonna fire me for sure! Well, that sure as hell isn’t changing today, as I look at The Nutcracker Prince, which might be the worst movie based on The Nutcracker I’ve ever seen. The Nutcracker in 3-D is arguably a worse film, but the mere knowledge that someone had to pitch it with phrases like “John Tuturro is the rat, only he looks like Andy Warhol and is a Nazi” and “Instead of a mysterious old toymaker, the nutcracker will be given by Albert Einstein, who will be played by Nathan Lane” and “This is a real passion project for me, the guy who directed Tango and Cash”. I know, now I wish I was reviewing that one, too. But no, I’m reviewing this little Canadian turd. Folks make some For Better or for Worse TV specials (yes, really), and suddenly they think they can do a feature, and Warner decides to throw it into theaters and grab some holiday bucks for cheap. Well, I hope it made a lot of money, and I hope they choke on it.

NUTS!

FAMILIAR BACKGROUND MUSIC!

RAVING GERMAN INSANITY!

IT DIDN’T MAKE ANY MONEY, BY THE WAY!

IT’S THE NUTCRACKER PRINCE!