Saturday, April 7, 2018

Tinseltown: the Holiday Movie Podcast

 Hello, readers! As you presumably guessed by now, this blog is now more or less defunct. Obviously, my ability to write these reviews had been waning, and the fact of the matter is, once I got out of the range of stuff I had been working on, I just didn’t have the spark anymore. But what I do have the spark for, and have for a long time, is holiday movies.  And that’s why I started the Tinseltown podcast. Every Tuesday, you’ll get a detailed review of a Christmas, Thanksgiving, or New Year’s eve movie complete with the humorous commentary you’ve come to associate with my #brand.  And in order to avoid the near constant personal deadline issues that plagued this blog, I’ve got six months worth of episodes in the bank. 

 I want to thank you all for reading this blog while it was active. This was a very meaningful project for me, and I’m not saying I’ll never go back to it someday. I actually have two more Cannon reviews written, it’s just a matter of tracking down pictures and whatnot for them. But like I said, the spark.  I did also give some thought to rediscovering said spark by shifting focus to the live action Disney movies of my childhood in the 1990s and early 2000s. That’s still on the table for the future. But for now, it’s the holidays that have my attention. So I hope you give a listen to the podcast, I’m very happy with what we’re doing there.  That’s all for now. See you at the movies. 

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Cannon Movie Tales: Puss In Boots

Okay, so.

First of all, hi, how are you, how’s the family, you look great.

Now let’s talk about Cannon Movie Tales.

The Cannon Group, for those who are unaware, is a film studio that were the reigning masters of B-movies in the 1980s. Over the course of their existence, they, as Wikipedia puts it, “produced a distinctive line of low-to medium-budget films” as well as extensive international investment and moving early and aggressively into the home video market. While they were founded in 1967, they remained a fairly earnest small studio for just over a decade, until they were purchased in 1979 by Israeli businessmen, cousins, and James Bond villains Menaheim Golan and Yoram Globus.

Golan and Globus, flush with the money Cobra Commander gave them for fighting G.I. Joe, immediately converted the small studio into an action movie grindhouse, because America had VCRs and America was THARSTY for cheap jingoism and explosions. With this strong market and an in-house star with Chuck Norris, Cannon expanded to making comedies, period pieces, sci-fi, fantasy, and even the occasional half-hearted stab at a prestige pic. They even snagged a best foreign film Oscar for The Assault, and were lauded by no less an authority than Roger Ebert for being, if not the highest quality film studio, certainly the one most likely to actually take a damn chance on something.

The downfall of Cannon is fascinating, a rambling tale of overreaching, overpromoting, and even attempting to live up to their supervillain names by taking on Spider-Man (unsuccessfully), Captain America (Golan eventually produced a direct to video disaster), and Superman (Successfully vanquished with The Quest For Peace, the film that started the studio’s slow demise). But now’s not the time for that. Now’s the time to talk about one of those aforementioned chances: Cannon Movie Tales.

See, for all their various inroads into underserved genres, the one they hadn’t yet cracked was the kiddie market. But as some of their international video releases were showing them, this market may be even more lucrative AND less discerning than the action flicks. So the time was right to do kids’ movies in the traditional Cannon fashion: Fast and sloppy. The formula was simple:

1 - Crank out a script based on a classic fairy tale, preferably one that Disney hasn’t already done.

2 - Drag a net through Hollywoo and London to see who wants a quick paycheck.

3 - Fill the rest of the cast with Israeli extras who will be hilariously dubbed by Americans later.

4 - Profit! (Maybe. Numbers were hard to find online.)

So let’s dig into this series with one of their most famous outings.



Puss in Boots, a rather generically european tale most famous for its French incarnation, by the legendary Charles Perrault. In it, a miller’s son is given as his only inheritance, a cat. This cat can talk, which doesn’t really seem to shake anyone as much as it should. It asks him for a pair of boots, for no reason other than to give the illustrators something snappy to draw, and sets about convincing everyone his poor owner is “The Marquis of Carabas”, CEO of the popular restaurant chain. This all works much better than it should.


So here we run into a very odd feature of the Cannon Movie Tales: While the scripts are very bad, they tend to make very good choices in expanding the stories to feature length, and this one is particularly good. The cat asks for boots because when he wears them, he turns into a human. So now all of his miscellaneous trickery is a lot easier to buy, because you’re not wondering why everyone who meets him isn’t going “HOLY CRAP, A TALKING CAT!” So, as a result, most of the padding in this movie is just done by stretching out that trickery, which mostly works.


As I said, all of these movies have at least one star that makes you say “Wait, really?”and it’s for just that reason that this one is so Internet Famous. Because Puss, in his human aspect, is played by none other than Christopher Walken. Walken clearly has a blast with the role, and uses his natural charm and dancing ability to be pretty much the only thing the flick has going for it. This is especially notable in the dance sequences. It couldn’t be clearer that the film had no choreographer to speak of, and while Walken can excellently improvise some soft shoe with the best of them, it gets really messy. He’s the only actor of note in this film, but fans of Robin Hood may recognize Sean Connery’s towheaded idiot son Jason, who plays the miller’s son with his usual blonde gormlessness.


The strangest thing of all the Cannon Tales is that I actually genuinely like them. Oh, they aren’t good, don’t mistake me, but there’s something so pleasant about their enthusiasm, and while the stars may be in it for a quick paycheck, they always give it 100%. I don’t know how that happened. There’s just something about Cannon that wins people over in spite of themselves. Next time around, we’ll be looking at the only Cannon Tale that was based on a story Disney had already got to. Spoilers: They... they actually do a better job with it in several categories. We’ll see who comes out on top next Monday!

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (Dreamworks, 2002)

I haven’t talked much about the Academy Award for best animated feature on this blog. Probably because I don’t really care about it that much. Most years, it’s one foregone conclusion, or maybe an interesting race between one or two. Generally, you get a Disney, a Pixar, a Ghibli, one indie/foreign, and one from one of the other American studios. And I always remember the second year it was presented. Ghibli’s entry, Spirited Away, was the destined winner. Disney had two that year, Lilo and Stitch and Treasure Planet, both of which stood a vague, dark horse chance, the former more than the latter. As for the remaining two, it was Ice Age and some dumb horse movie, seat-fillers if ever there were. Well, this is that dumb horse movie. Let’s see if I misjudged it.





Thursday, March 31, 2016

2106 - Zootopia

Well, once again, Disney has a film out in theaters, and it's my job to tell you to go see it. GO SEE IT. Seriously, they've been at a pretty high level of quality. They haven't come out with a really bad movie since Meet the Robinsons, and I still kinda liked that. You have to head back to Chicken Little to find something straight up terrible. But Zootopia is more than just a good film from a good studio. This is amazing. This is the best movie they've made since Winnie-The-Pooh, which was itself the best since Lilo and Stitch. Now, it's only been out for a few weeks, so here's my three top reasons to see it:

Sunday, March 13, 2016

The Road to El Dorado (Dreamworks, 2000)


It's been a hell of a long time since my last update, and for that, you have my sincere apologies. You know how it is, work gets in the way, you never seem to have time, you have to write a review of a really uninspiring movie.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad. Far from it. I really enjoyed it. It just didn't leave me with much I wanted to talk about. If I had something as good as The Iron Giant or as bad as Quest for Camelot to return to, I'd probably have got to it sooner, but as it stands... ehh.

And with that thrilling introduction, we turn to -





Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Prince of Egypt (Dreamworks, 1998)

Well, Amblimation may have tanked after only three movies, but you can’t keep a good Spielberg down, and since he’d just recently founded a new studio with recording mogul David Geffen and former Disney exec and bad-decision-maker Jeff Katzenberg. So he trucked over Simon Wells and his animators and set them to making another animated film, now under the Dreamworks banner, with much better funding and infrastructure. And if there’s one thing Spielberg likes to tell stories about, it’s the plight of the Jewish people so...





Monday, October 12, 2015

Balto (Amblimation, 1995)

And thus it is that we reach our final feature in the short and undistinguished life of Amblimation, and it’s a real shame, because after two shambling messes (you’ll hear about Feivel Goes West, don’t worry) they’ve finally made something that has a bit of original spark in it. It certainly has a coherent tone, which is a vast improvement in itself. This movie hints at a studio that specializes in more mature, thoughtful, realistic fare than its competitors, a Disney that followed the path of The Fox and the Hound rather than The Little Mermaid, only in a good way. Did it manage it successfully? Ehh. Mostly.





Been a while since we've had an overly busy 90s poster.