The Nutcracker Prince (Lacewood productions, 1990)

I’ll be honest, dear readers, I’m beginning to despair that I shall never see a good movie again. I’m also beginning to despair that I’ll never review a movie people have heard of again. No one wants to read about Gay Purr-ee for Pete’s sake, and if I don’t get my ratings up, Mr. Blogpost is gonna fire me for sure! Well, that sure as hell isn’t changing today, as I look at The Nutcracker Prince, which might be the worst movie based on The Nutcracker I’ve ever seen. The Nutcracker in 3-D is arguably a worse film, but the mere knowledge that someone had to pitch it with phrases like “John Tuturro is the rat, only he looks like Andy Warhol and is a Nazi” and “Instead of a mysterious old toymaker, the nutcracker will be given by Albert Einstein, who will be played by Nathan Lane” and “This is a real passion project for me, the guy who directed Tango and Cash”. I know, now I wish I was reviewing that one, too. But no, I’m reviewing this little Canadian turd. Folks make some For Better or for Worse TV specials (yes, really), and suddenly they think they can do a feature, and Warner decides to throw it into theaters and grab some holiday bucks for cheap. Well, I hope it made a lot of money, and I hope they choke on it.

NUTS!

FAMILIAR BACKGROUND MUSIC!

RAVING GERMAN INSANITY!

IT DIDN’T MAKE ANY MONEY, BY THE WAY!

IT’S THE NUTCRACKER PRINCE!

Animalympics (Lisberger films, 1980)

So, I’d originally planned to do one movie per decade for Warner distributions, but it turns out that this movie, which I’d thought released in 1979 to get people excited for the 1980 Olympics, was actually commissioned by NBC in order to air on TV in short segments amid their televised Olympic coverage, so I haven’t got one from the 70s. Anyway, it turns out that the next one, which I had pegged as 1988, was actually from 1990. I have to fire my assistant, who is a little goblin that sits on my shoulder and constantly yells at me about cartoons. Anyway, how did a series of TV shorts meant to distract.people around commercials wind up barely scraping a theatrical release? Blame Jimmy Carter.

ATHLETICISM!

INTERNATIONAL COOPERATION!

THE DARN SOVIETS!

AN EXTREMELY ILL-ADVISED ATTEMPT TO MAKE SOME MONEY BACK!

IT’S ANIMALYMPICS!

Gay Purr-ee (UPA, 1962)

First of all, an apology. I was under the belief, looking at my masthead up there, that we were going to now be moving on to Amblimation, but I had forgotten that we first have four more Warner-distributed movies to go through. Since my sister was to guest-write the review of “An American Tail: Feivel Goes West”, I was waiting on her, but now that I realize we have a few more to go, I feel bad for bothering her so much. But not very bad. I more feel bad that I had to watch “Feivel Goes West” AND “We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story” much earlier than I had to. Not that this was much better.

CATS!

FRANCE!

A PERFUNCTORY ROMANCE BETWEEN A FANCY WHITE FEMALE AND A DOWN-TO-EARTH ORANGE TOM!

IT’S THE ARISTOCATS!

I MEAN GAY PURR-EE!

Titan A.E. (Fox Animation Studios, 2000)

The year was 2000. AOL ruled the internet, George Bush was known mainly for occasionally saying something silly, and a young Jimmy Fallon was teaching us all how to laugh. As America settled into the new Willenium, a nerdy tenth grader named Brian Lynch was very excited about a new movie, a cool sci-fi drama. Something mature, with real ideas. Something that knew animation that didn’t have to be for kids. Finally, the promise of Invasion America would be fulfilled! And it came out and I loved it. I watched the VHS several times, but I haven’t seen it at all over the past dozen years. Turns out it’s not that good. Spoilers.

GUNS!

PUNCHES!

BUTTS!

THE SONG STYLINGS OF LIT!

IT’S TITAN AE!

Bartok the Magnificent (Fox Animation Studios, 1999)

In 1994, Disney released a direct-to-video movie called The Return of Jafar. This was a sequel to Aladdin, and was made not by Walt Disney Feature Animation (as it was then known), but by Walt Disney Television Animation. WDTVA, or DisneyToon, as they came to be known, had previously made a Duck Tales movie in 1990, but this was their first film produced directly for the home video market, and the first sequel to one of their modern animated classics. Another Aladdin movie followed, then a couple for Beauty and the Beast, then the Lion King, Pocahontas and more. By 1999, they had set up quite a little cottage industry of VHS cheapies. And that’s an industry Fox wanted to be a part of. So, armed with a fairly popular supporting character from a recent hit, the studio set Bluth and Goldman to making something profitable, and if it was watchable, hey, bonus.

GOOD CASTING!

OKAY WRITING!

PASSABLE MUSIC!

ACCEPTABLE ANIMATION!

ALSO SOME TERRIBLE ANIMATION!

IT’S BARTOK THE MAGNIFICENT!

Anastasia (Fox Animation Studios, 1997)

Ah, the glory, the majesty, the having-more-than-twenty-bucks that is Fox Animation Studios. After the relative fiasco that was the end of Sullivan Bluth, Don and Gary were all too happy to follow the jingling purses of 20th Century Fox to run their studio. And run it they did. Right out of the gate, they made something pretty damn epic. A lush and sweeping remake of a Ingrid Bergman movie, filled with all the tricks and gewgaws and all-star voices Bluth had been denied for so long. Did going big work out for our long suffering hero? Or did he soar too close to the sun on sparkly, rotoscoped wings? LET’S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

ROMANCE!

SONGS!

COMMUNISM?

IT’S ANASTASIA!

The Pebble and the Penguin (Sullivan Bluth, 1995)

Do you know what this is like?

Do you know what I do for you people?

Do you know what it’s like to go from A Troll in Central park to this?

This is the worst. I know I said that last time, but this movie is so bad that not only did Bluth and Goldman demand their names be removed from the final product, and left the company they’d founded in the dust. This is the tragic end to  the saga of Sullivan Bluth Studios. From the lofty goals and high standards of their beginnings, to a mess of pandering and shoddy quality, abandoned by its leaders. This is the worst.

Let’s get this over with.

It’s The Pebble and the Penguin.